When your child tells you something happened online: what to say first

Your face first: stay steady

Kids read your reaction before they hear your words. If you look shocked or angry, many will stop talking, or quietly decide not to tell you next time.

Kids Help Phone's advice to adults is simple: stay calm, go slowly, and take a break if you need one. It's fine to say "Give me a second, I want to make sure I really listen." You don't need to have the answer yet. You need to keep them talking.

Thank them, then listen

Telling a parent can take a lot of courage. MediaSmarts notes that kids often don't turn to their parents after seeing something upsetting online because they're afraid of getting in trouble. Kids Help Phone even has a page answering young people who worry that telling their parents will get them in trouble. Reading it can help you understand what your child may be weighing.

So start with thanks, and let them know you believe them. Then listen without judging. Open questions help:

• "Can you tell me what happened, from the start?"
• "How are you feeling about it?"
• "Is there more you want me to know?"

Words that help, and words that shut it down

Kids Help Phone advises adults not to rush into problem-solving and not to minimize what a young person is going through. Reflect back what you heard so they know it landed.

Words that tend to help:

• "I'm really glad you told me."
• "That sounds hard. It makes sense you're upset."
• "This isn't your fault. We'll figure it out together."

Words that tend to shut things down:

• "Why were you even on that app?"
• "I told you this would happen."
• "It's not a big deal, just ignore it."

Even if a rule was broken, the rule can wait. Right now the job is safety and trust.

Ask: help fixing it, or just to be heard?

Kids Help Phone suggests asking what the young person hopes will come from the conversation. Sometimes they want a plan. Sometimes they just needed to say it out loud to someone safe.

If they do want help, decide the next steps together: blocking or reporting an account, talking to a teacher, or getting outside support. Offer options and let them have a say. Kids who feel some control over what happens next are more likely to keep talking.

Be honest about one thing: if someone is in danger, you can't keep it secret. You can promise to tell them before you tell anyone else, and to keep them in the loop.

Why taking the phone away backfires

It can feel like the obvious fix. But MediaSmarts points out that many kids hesitate to report problems online because they're afraid of losing their device or their internet access. If telling you leads to losing the phone, the lesson your child learns is "don't tell."

MediaSmarts' advice is to make sure kids know you're on their side. You can still adjust settings, add a break or change house rules later, once things are calm, and ideally with your child's input.

When it's serious: who to call next

Kids Help Phone's last piece of advice is to make sure the young person is safe. If what you hear involves a threat to their safety, sexual images, someone pressuring or blackmailing them, or thoughts of self-harm, get help right away. You don't have to handle it alone, and neither does your child.

The services below are free and confidential. Your child can contact some of them directly, and there are lines for parents too.